In most cases, when there is an opportunity to make a change for the better one must seize this chance. Well… if you want to.
I feel the need to throw in a small disclaimer here, as most people tend to mold all of the adult stars into one person. Example:
Oh “so and so” is out partying all the time. I bet they allllll live that lifestyle.
It’s just not true. We are all different. And we all have different experiences through out our career in adult. So during this blog, I’m going to throw out a lot of MY OWN opinions. They are true to me. I’m in no way trying to speak for, or account for, anyone else.
So let the ‘splainin’ begin…..
There is no way to tell you all how happy I was to know that after all that work, there was finally means to an end. Some of us work hard for that very first deep breath after a long swim underwater. My swim just so happened to be one into the abyss of pornography.
I had reached a point in my career that I wanted to just direct. I was contracted with the same company for 3 years. I was very fortunate to be in a situation that I could sort of pick and choose what it was that I wanted to do. Granted I couldn’t just come out and say “Listen, I’m done performing now so give me that directing gig! Please.” It doesn’t really work that way. So I started weaning myself down.
First I stopped doing boys. What a relief that was for me. I honestly felt that if I had to have another strange man’s cock in my face, his hands (god knows where they’ve been) all over me, him calling me his “baby”, and having to exude some sort of forged passion for the world to see, I probably would’ve exploded. And what would’ve been stuck to the walls would’ve probably been nothing. Just pieces of skin, bone, the brain of a robot, and what would have been left of a once huge and warm heart. Thank goodnees it never got to that point, though. And I was able to stop boys, and continue with girls.
This went on for several months. I was given the opportunity to direct a few all girl “gonzo” films. They were shot very pretty and sensual. Just how I wanted it. No more dirty. Please god, no more dirty. I’m not quite sure how they did for the studio, but I was proud of them. And I think I was more proud of the fact that I was getting closer to that goal.
A little later, reality kind of struck. There’s no real popularity in a girl who used to do boys, but now just tries to direct all girl features, but isn’t a “real” lesbian, but tries to get “real” lesbians for her flick. I mean, great for me that I was able to put it together. And by all means, was done trying to win any type of popularity contest. But this is business, and when the people aren’t getting exactly what they want, they move on.
And when I don’t get what I want, I also move on. I wanted to continue directing at the company I had been happily contracted with all those years. I approached the “big man” with all sorts of ideas. Scripts, cast wish list, budgets, location options, and so forth. But he just wasn’t ready to invest that much trust into me.
Meanwhile, in the home front, I’m falling madly in love. We have a wonderful life together. A wonderful, regular person life. The life that I was ready to have since I was a little girl, it seems. My choice to wean myself from, and eventually quit, porn really had nothing to do with him. I wanted to do this far before I met him. Meeting him just sweetened the pot and gave me that much more motivation. I felt (and still feel) so lucky to have found someone that is so accepting of what I did. As it’s no easy task for any normal guy to watch their loved one get it handed to ’em by another person. Girl or guy.
So anyways, a year later, after starting to stop, I decided to fast track it! I found another company and good friend that would let me direct parody features for him. And I would no longer have to perform. With boys or girls. And this came at a pretty great time. We went to visit him in canada to discuss this deal, and a few days after we got home, I found out that we were expecting our first child together.
Personally, I would never have a child and continue to perform. But from what you can see I was already done with that part of it anyhow. A lot of people don’t know that I was done before finding out about the pregnancy. I chose to keep my plan quiet because I just needed to figure it all out first. The pregnancy was very last in my efforts to move on with my life. But seriously, nothing could’ve been better. Nothing will ever be better.
Nothing on earth could’ve made me happier at that very moment. It was like god just reached down and literally removed me from “that world” and put me back into the “real” one. I knew that from that point on my life would be peaceful, happy, and full of love again. Little did I know that it was going to take some work. Hell going all the way into the adult world and then coming back again. Phew. But those stories are for another time.
I just wanted you to all know that my decision was a long running one, it wasn’t sudden because of an unplanned event, or because of a falling out of any kind. It’s because throughout my dive deep into the sea of porn, I was living for that moment that I could be on my way back up to the surface again. And I’m here! Head above the water.